Have you ever taken a deep breath, hoping for lightness, and your chest just felt heavy? That's how I'd explain my 2019.
Every December, I take some time to purge and prepare for the new year. I delete phone numbers, Facebook contacts, people I'm following, and unsubscribe from emails.
For the majority of 2019, I've felt unmotivated, unfocused, and even lost. BORED. Getting used to living back in the states was a bigger adjustment than I could have anticipated.
Against my better judgement, I rushed into relationships, partnerships, friendships, and commitments. I somehow grew a little social media following on Twitter (which is NOT my thing. I'm very happy being a behind-the-scenes person. I value my privacy, ironically), which is cool but can also be overwhelming and annoying.
I've been feeling stuck. Heavy. And I didn't recognize it...
Okay, I didn't accept it until I went on a mini vacation to Miami and felt alive for the first time since I left for Asia in 2017. A piece of me is always chasing that adrenaline rush and excitement I get when I'm doing something new.
Feeling that rush reignited that energy back within me. Some deals and projects that were delayed came through. I was being super productive and had a clear vision of what I wanted to accomplish Q4 and in 2020.
And then the stuck & heavy thing came back. What. is. this?
I decided to take time away from social media. I don't like how addicting it can be and I sometimes forget how nice it is to not constantly cycle through everyone's thoughts and opinions (and their thoughts and opinions on my thoughts and opinions). I do miss the days where I can say something without someone else chiming in. Trust me, I see the hypocrisy.
I needed quiet so that I could think, sort, analyze, and process. I'm not bringing the heavy & stuck feeling with me into 2020, not even to Dallas in a few weeks.
In my silence and solitude, I realized that I didn't need to wait until December to purge. I could do it right now.
I started with my phone. I deleted every contact that I didn't keep in touch with and didn't keep in touch with me. Anyone who I didn't enjoy talking to or who I felt things were just off with, deleted. I did the same with text messages, photos, and emails. Deleted. Gone forever (kinda because you know "the internet is forever").
I trust that if we're meant to be in touch, it'll happen.
Then I went through social media. Anyone who I'm not engaging with (or don't enjoy engaging with) and who doesn't engage with me (and I don't enjoy their engagement), I unfollowed.
It's not personal. You didn't do anything wrong. It simply doesn't feel in alignment with where I'm currently at. Our energy no longer matches.
I'm feeling better. Lighter. More clear. Decisive.
As I prepare for my move to Dallas, I'm going to do the same with my belongings. I'm releasing what no longer serves me and what I no longer can serve.
Something Hugo says always stands out to me, "Purify your medium." I made a list for my own "recipe", if you will. Two columns. One for things I need to add and one for things I need to take away.
The idea of releasing things that don't make me feel happy, empowered, and supported came from the book, "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing" by Marie Kondō. I recommend you read it (before watching the mini series on Netflix).
I trust that in being able to release and remove things that don't "bring me joy", I'm making space for better things to fill their place. Or not.
But knowing that the people, things, books, deals, projects, etc. that remain are exactly what I need right now brings me peace and satisfaction.